Bad-a$$ White-hat Needed to Catch Black-hat - $2,000 (Tucson)

Are you a well seasoned White-hat? I need help catching a rather insidious Black-hat who currently owns my entire home network and phones.
I’ll pay $1,000 to find the rat and clean house.
Another $1,000 in 30 days if I remain pest free for the entire month.
Serious inquiries only, I’m negotiable on compensation, if justified.
You should be familiar with forensic data analysis, evidence collection and retention, threat/breach detection, advanced hacking tools and techniques, Wi-Fi attacks, domain spoofing, DNS, SSL and VOIP exploits, as well as iOS, and Android.
You'll provide me with documentation of any findings that might support future criminal and/or civil complaints upon completion.
Easy money for the right person.